It’s been a very tough 18 months for many people I know. I mostly started January 2011 when the floods hit Brisbane and a number of families in our church were affected. Around the same time a young boy was diagnosed with a brain tumour and that had impact on a number of people in our church closely related. The earthquake and Tsunami which hit Japan shortly after continued the wave grief. In the middle of the year our Pastor’s daughter was born with a severe condition and passed away shortly afterwards. And now another couple in our church face the prospect of life with a child with a disability.

On the whole I believe that our church has responded graciously and lovingly. I’ve been encouraged that despite the many tragedies that have fallen on some, our church as a whole has continued to turn to God and His Word in humility and prayer. This is a broken world and the past 18 months has testified resoundingly to that effect.

What I want to share here now has been born from some experiences of suffering that has been shared with me – specifically how others have reacted to the ones suffering. I want to be careful and encourage us to remember that much of what is listed here often comes from a heart filled with good intentions. But because we lack experience or we lack understanding on how to deal with these issues our good intentions have inadvertently hurt more than helped.

So as we continue to respond to those suffering around us, and those who will suffer in future, let’s keep the following in mind:

• Be sensitive. Pain is real, even if it’s been shared on Facebook. So be loving and sensitive with your comments.Here are some examples of sensitive comments:
  –  “I’m sorry for your loss.”
  –  “I don’t know what to say” (couple this with a hug)
  –  “I’m praying for you.”(you could even pray on that spot)

  Here’s some (real life) examples of insensitive comments:
  –  (in response to the death of a newborn) “It’s ok…you’re young, you’ll have other children!”
  –  (three weeks after the death of a newborn) “Are you feeling better?”
  –  “You need to move on from this. Holding onto your grief is not good for you.” (see why this is unhelpful in the points below)
  –  “I know what you’re going through…” (and then tell the story of your own grief experience) – you cannot be sure that your response to your situation, no matter how similar, is the same as theirs
  –  “Look on the bright side! Things could be worse…” – that may be true, but right now they need comfort, not perspective)

• Offer real love, and not platitudes. A platitude is usually a small line, considered profound, that when offered ends up trite and meaningless. So to say to someone who is currently going through immense pain, say at the loss of a child, ‘God works all things for good!’ may do more harm than good. I’ve often wondered why people do this, and I think it’s simply because we know that profound truths have a way to reassure and comfort. The problem is not with the content, but with the timing and delivery. Look at Job and his friends. They came and sat with him silently for 7 days. Brilliant. A wonderful show of support in Job’s trial. Then they opened their mouths, offered their opinions, and their well intentioned words stung Job in some ways harsher than his boils and sores. So for someone in the middle of immense grief, it’s sometimes better to not say anything than to offer up something timed and delivered wrongly.
• Don’t promise things that God, in His Word, does not promise. How many times I have seen well-intentioned friends on Facebook comment that God can AND WILL heal. I understand the sentiment behind this – it’s a well-meaning assurance that God is sovereign and might to act – but in our care for each other we should take care to also be faithful to what God says.
• Allow people to grieve and go through that process in their own time. A loss of life, or an ongoing struggle, is not something you just ‘get over’ – rather it’s something you keep working through. Different people will work through their circumstances in different ways.
• Stay on point. Avoid waffling about how your life is going, even if you’re the type of person who loves to waffle. There’s a time and a place to be yourself, but in hard times our focus is to serve the other.
• Be careful about unsolicited advice. If you’ve got a thought to share it’s better to ask questions about it and determine whether your thought is timely to share. Otherwise what happens is that your advice doesn’t encourage, rather it heaps guilt upon the grieving person.
• Saying, ‘Anything you need just let me know’ might not be as caring as you may think. Rather, have a good think about the things they do need. Practical examples include cooking food to pass on, coming over to help clean up their home, and arranging to help and take care of other children in the household, or say you’ll drop them a text/call once in a while (say when you have a few hours you’d like to offer) to see if there’s anything you can assist with. Most importantly, be genuine and gracious in your offer, but avoid ‘forcing’ your help upon them.

Finally, a note to the grieving: Our brothers and sisters in Christ often have the best intentions and speak/act from love, grace and genuine desire to do good even if it might not come across that way at times. It may be difficult in the midst of grieving, but if and when their words or actions causes offence, please show Christian charity and generosity towards them. We who grief can still be thankful to God and to them for their kind intentions, even if the ‘delivery’ causes hurt.