It’s not often you get to focus on such a necessary ‘need-to-hear-but-rarely-spoken-of’ topic like domestic violence and abuse within a sermon. So in the providence of God our sermon series in Ephesians coincided with the present controversy over statistics purporting to show that Evangelical men, with sporadic church attendance, were the most likely to abuse their spouses. If you haven’t had a chance to listen, please do so here.
When planning a sermon series out in advance (usually before the year begins) we can hardly predict these scenarios and controversy timings. In a way, we were thankful to be able to address, and correct, how to read these passages. But it also meant that the original plan, to also cover and explain 6:1-9, had to be left out for brevity’s sake.
But thanks be to the internet we can write up some of our thoughts here for our edification.
So without further ado, let’s take a look at the first half: Ephesians 6:1-4.
[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [2] “Honour your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), [3] “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” [4] Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (ESV)
Children…
Here we can see the different roles that God intends for parents and children.
Firstly, children are to obey their parents.
Three reasons seem to be offered as to why this should be. First, children (and it seems Paul has in mind not adult children but children still living under the roof and authority of their parents) are to obey their parents ‘in the Lord’. Paul has Christian children of Christian parents in mind. Obedience to their parents ‘in the Lord’ is in keeping with the harmony and unity that Paul has already spoken of (cf Ephesians 4:15-16, 5:30). Second, children are to obey their parents ‘for this is right’. It seems evident, from a creation stand point, that children’s obedience to their parents is a good and right thing in this world. It was good in the past, present, and it will be good into the future of this temporary world.
The third reason for obedience requires further explanation. Paul appears to quote the Old Testament Commandments as the final reason for the obedience of children. Specifically, Commandment #5 as written in Exodus and explained in Deuteronomy. At first glance it appears that Paul is saying that Christians are under obligation to the Old Testament Laws, which appears to not only fly in the face of what he has already said about God ‘tearing down the dividing wall of hostility’ between Jews and Gentiles (Eph 2:14), but also what he has said clearly elsewhere that Christians are no longer under the Old Covenant Law (cf Galatians). It will also not do to suggest that Paul is saying that the ‘moral’ elements of the Law continue in effect over Christians, for this division of the Law would also go against Paul’s clearly stated view that obedience to one Law requires obedience to all of the Law (cf Gal 5:3, emphasis mine).
How are we to understand this quote? Perhaps the best way is to consider this issue is to see Paul’s inclusion of Deuteronomy in this quote. Exodus 20:12 states, ‘Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.’ Deuteronomy 5:16 states, ‘Honour your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.’ Paul’s combination of these two quotes might be suggesting that obedience to God’s command brings with it the blessing of long life ‘in the land’. Christians, of course, no longer have a physical land in this life, but with the coming of Jesus and the ‘tearing down of the walls of hostility’ now Christians everywhere they may be can look forward to ‘long life’, whether it be here in this life or in the new heaven and new earth to come.
In short, perhaps Paul is saying ‘obedience carries blessing.’
Whatever the case may be, it’s clear that children living at home and under their parent’s authority are to lovingly obey their parents.
Fathers…
Paul then moves to address Fathers – primarily because Father’s are the head of the household as much as they are the head of their marriages. The instruction to Fathers is two-fold, one negative one positive.
The negative command is for fathers to not provoke their children to anger. Now, while this command is addressed to fathers this is not to say that mothers are free to provoke their children to anger! But it is perhaps telling that Paul addresses fathers in this verse, not simply because Paul lived in a patriarchal society – but because fathers have a special ‘gift’ for provoking their children.
In my pastoral experience I’ve seen this played out in two ways. Fathers who provoke their children to anger (an anger that turns them away from their instruction in Christ – cf Eph 6:4b) through their absenteeism. An absent father who neglects his duty and responsibility to be the head of the household and to lovingly lead his family in knowing Jesus. This absence can even be felt when the father is physically present but spiritually absent – he lacks initiative or desire to lead his family spiritually, neglecting it altogether or relying on the church/Sunday School/Teens group to do this task.
Fathers also provoke their children by being overbearing. A streak of legalism, fierce demands, harsh punishments, and a lack of grace. These fathers push their children away from trusting Jesus through their overbearing nature.
Instead fathers are instructed to bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. A father’s role in the house has many responsibilities, and Paul here is elevating to primacy the role of spiritual director and leader. And while this is a lofty role Paul gives little detail as to what that entails. This elevating of spiritual leadership and lack of details gives fathers wide freedom to put this into practice as each father is able and gifted.
Discipline is the loving, yet firm correction of behaviour. It is a discipline tied to ‘instruction of the Lord’ – a discipline grounded and guided by God’s character as revealed in scripture and the gospel.
What this means…
In these short verses Paul gives us plenty to chew on and put into practice. The following are some things that necessarily flow out of these verses:
First, Christian families are to display and model loving submission and loving authority. And when Christian families display this loving submission and authority it glorifies God and the gospel.
As Bryson Smith summarises in his excellent Matthias Media Ephesians bible study:
A family in which parents and children are committed to one another, such that the children obey their parents and the parents care for the children in tenderness without exasperating them—this is the sort of family that anyone would envy. A marriage in which a husband expresses his leadership in the home by laying down his life for his wife, and in which a wife gladly and lovingly submits to this leadership—this is a relationship more intimate and secure than romantic Hollywood movies can begin to imagine…
In a world and society in which the family unit is increasingly broken down and redefined we need more families transformed by the gospel to demonstrate God’s good design.
Here are some other things that our church may need to wrestle with as we think through this passage.
Honouring non-Christian parents
It seems clear from the context that Paul is addressing Christian children of Christian parents when he calls children to obey and Father’s to lovingly discipline and instruct in the Lord.
The question now arises to what extent are Christian children called to honour and obey their non-Christian parents. This is certainly tricky. We can quickly rule out the idea that if Paul is addressing Christians then obedience and honour are unnecessary towards non-Christian parents.
But how much and how far should a Christian child honour and obey their non-Christian parents? As a general interpretive rule, we should be careful not to draw lines or boundaries where Scripture is silent. If there are not clear scriptural guidelines we must then work from secondary principles and see how they might biblically apply.
One principle to consider is that a Christian’s first duty and submission, whether they are a child or a retiree, is to Jesus. So our submission to anyone in authority over us – whether they be governments, officials, teachers, or parents – is done in harmony with our submission to Christ. So should an authority over us ask us to do something that would go against our submission to Christ, our first duty as Christians is to ensure that the Lordship of Jesus remains unaltered.
The honouring of Jesus first in our lives requires discernment and wisdom for what that looks practically in our given situations. It would be wise to seek godly counsel to determine what might be the best and appropriate action to pursue in a difficult situation, say with non-Christian parents making demands that would prevent a Christian child from exercising their faith.
When is a child no longer a child?
It’s at this point in this post that I would like to address children and parents separately.
Children.
This is especially important for those who are growing up in a more Western influenced society and world. Generally Western culture values independence and autonomy, and Asian culture values uniformity and unity/family/interdependence. We can see this clash of cultures in the home, for we often live in both a Western world with its values (at school and outside), but then walk into an Asian world with its values (at home).
It’s important to note that the Bible affirms both cultural values. It affirms unity and family, and interdependence. Church would not function without unity and the bible constantly uses familial language to describe the ‘strangers’ who have been gathered together. The bible also affirms autonomy and independence – as seen in the wonderful phrase in Genesis 2, and quoted in Ephesians 5, that a man and woman will leave their father’s house and the two shall be united and become one flesh.
The clash often comes because in our fallenness we tend to impose or elevate one over the other as ideal or sacrosanct. So children often try to impose or enforce a Western values on their Asian culture at home. Independence and autonomy is sought after – the desire to go out, move out, be given more freedom.
The reaching for independence is seen as a sign of growth and maturity in Western culture. But in Asian culture it is seen as disobedience and rebellion.
So children, if you are currently living at home and want to be seen as maturing and to be treated less like a child and more like an adult, then what your parents want to see is not independence but responsibility. Even a child living at home can grow and mature towards adulthood in their parent’s eyes if they begin taking up more responsibility for their lives. Being able to manage their own finances, learning to cook, clean and take care of themselves, manage their own studies and timetables. The more you grow into these things the more your parents should begin to treat you like an adult. And this is a way of showing them honour as you grow from childhood to maturity.
Parents.
It’s commonly said in Asian households that a child is a child until they get married. But as noted before, Paul’s instructions on ‘bringing up children’ seem fairly general. There is wide scope for applying this principle to our lives.
So let me make a few suggestions that I believe fall out from this passage. First, while children are called to honour and obey their parents, there must come a point in time when a child matures and the emphasis upon the child moves from obedience to honouring. It is healthy for a 10-year-old to listen obediently to their parent’s instructions regarding behaviour in the home. But we must surely find it strange and unhealthy if a 30-year-old was living at home and needing permission from their parents to do their daily tasks. But the point at which maturity is achieved is not a determined standard or a line that gets crossed. Rather, it’s a direction that our children head towards.
Therefore one of the roles of parenting is to ‘raise up’ our children to maturity. Caring for their physical needs is a given. And our parenting should include stages and milestones in which we teach our children to care for themselves. To help them take more responsibility in life, and appropriately deal with the consequences of failure to do so.
Fathers (and Grandfathers): get involved
In this passage before us Paul also gives a key responsibility to fathers. Fathers are to take the lead in the raising of their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. As already noted, the lack of detail in this instruction gives wide freedom for fathers to enact this according to each father’s gifts and abilities.
At Christmas last year I (Pastor Steven) preached from Psalm 78. The instruction to fathers to teach their children is clear in that passage as well as ours. Here is a transcript from that sermon with suggestions on what fathers could do to ensure that they were leading and teaching their children.
Psalm 78:5-8
[5] He established a testimony in Jacob
and appointed a law in Israel,
which he commanded our fathers
to teach to their children,
[6] that the next generation might know them,
the children yet unborn,
and arise and tell them to their children,
[7] so that they should set their hope in God
and not forget the works of God,
but keep his commandments;
[8] and that they should not be like their fathers,
a stubborn and rebellious generation,
a generation whose heart was not steadfast,
whose spirit was not faithful to God. (ESV)
Application #1: Teach the coming generations
We not only want every nation to hear the gospel, but we also want every generation to hear the gospel.
Teaching every generation of our children the gospel will also mean the need for more gospel teachers. Pastors and lay-leaders who are able and willing to teach the bible. So pray for more leaders to be raised up.
Not many of us are bold and confident evangelists. But there are many parents and grandparents here. God’s Word is reminding us this morning that the main priority of your parenting and grandparenting is not just the physical care of your children and grandchildren. Your main priority is to give your children real and eternal hope, to help them keep God’s commands, and to help them not forget Jesus. And we do this by teaching them the works and wonders of God.
This means praying with them, reading children’s bibles with them. It means not just treating Sunday School as child-minding, but actively engaging with them about what they are hearing and learning. It also means as your kids get older, and become teens, to not fill their weeks or weekends with so many activities that by Friday night they are too tired to attend teens group.
Please be careful about seeking the best for your children in this world at the expense of eternity.
Application #2: Fathers, take up the responsibility in the home that God has given you
And Father’s need to take the lead on this one. Asaph says at the very beginning of this Psalm that God ‘commanded our fathers to teach their children’. How many of us are taking up this command seriously, and how many of us are acting more like the typical Asian dad?
During the week I read up a little on Asian culture. Tell me if this rings true:
In traditional Southeast Asian families the father’s role is primarily to provide material support for the family, while the mother’s role is primarily to take, care of the children. Grandparents and older Siblings also help raise the children. The mother is a child’s first teacher, and she teaches her children right and wrong from the very beginning… The father then administers the punishment.[1]
Sounds about right doesn’t it? Dad is the one who brings home the income, mum is the teacher. Can you see a conflict between this cultural norm and what the bible says? Our Asian culture says dads are uninvolved, that it’s the mums who teach their children. The bible says God has given fathers the responsibility over the spiritual lives of their children.
Fathers, we need to take up this responsibility in the home that God has given to us.
I love sitting down with my young children and reading the bible to them. I know not every dad is like that, so let me suggest a few things that dads and grandads can do.
First – sit down with your kids while the bible is being read. Turn off the TV and put down your phone. That other chore can wait. If our priority is to make known the works and wonders of God, then make it an exciting and big deal whenever the bible is opened to be read.
Second – Even if your wife is reading the bible, take the lead in praying before and after. Kids need to know that their dad loves the Word, and that gives them confidence to trust it as well.
Third – grandparents, if you’re with the family as they are reading the bible please sit down with them. I know that grandparents are good at fussing over things in the house – but if your grandchildren see you sitting down under the authority of the bible that gives them confidence to keep trusting it as well.
Fourth suggestion – Fathers, when you’re driving home from church talk to your children about what they learnt. They might not remember or tell you, but show an interest. Speak to your wife in the car not just about where you’re going for lunch but also about what you got out of the sermon or bible study you’ve had. Speak openly in front of your kids about the bible – not to show off, but to show them that you love the word.
Fathers, and grandfathers, this is our responsibility. The great temptation will be to abdicate: to abandon the job to our wives. No. God commanded our fathers to teach their children, that the next generation might know of God’s wonders. Be encouraged to take this up.
[1] University of Minnesota, http://www.extension.umn.edu/family/families-with-teens/resources-parents/bicultural-parenting/background/
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